Tuesday, April 7, 2009

to hide and to seek, is not a child's game anymore;

sad title isn't it?
how pathetic...the point of where my life is...is pathetic.

nothing is going right. i feel myself slipping, continuously slipping, into something i cannot recognize anymore. Am i myself any more? Am I still the bright precocious child that brought a smile to everyone's face and lifted a bit of sadness off shoulders? Am I a good daughter, raised by wonderful parents and overcame obstacles in my life that could have ruined it? Am I still the good friend that stood by their side through thick and thin, through suffering and happiness?

I look in the mirror and cannot recognize my own self now. I see a sad and tired young girl whose "eyes have dulled" and feels older than she is, I see a brunette who shined but now fades away when she tries and messes up. People tell me they see a beautiful, pretty, independent brunette with open eyes and caring smile...I guess they see the mask I carry on all the time, when I wake up to when I sleep.

i can be honest and open here. i am sitting here, on the floor of my basement, thinking about my life, and trying to pinpoint where everything went wrong...and why do i have the pit of despair in my stomach, playing creeper to my sanity. Is this what it feels like to be alone in a warm room with warm people? I don't like it, not one bit. Can I change it? How can I get the warmness back?

I have family that I love and care for, I include the small dear group of friends that I have who have been there for me and tell me my mistakes, my faults, my positives, my things. This is a little light that tries to be a bigger light, and it sucks. Maybe i should listen to my mom and see about trying to find that spark i had growing up, maybe as much as I fight it that I should do it.

maybe it is time to try and find God again.