Friday, July 24, 2009


so this weekend, well sunday actually, is going to be my first hangout/get together with a few of the fabulous peeps at ONTD_Star Trek over on live journal. I am really excited because I've seen photos of other meet-ups and I always wanted to go because they looked like so much fun and now i have my chance.

Basically, we are going to brunch and than roam around and go back to one of the girl's apartments in the village to hang out and basically relax with Star Trek and some good times. Finally people who enjoy Star Trek, at least i wont get made fun of for liking it, and not just the movie...I am talking about the original series with Shatner and Nimoy & Kelly and the movies. So i'll talk more when thats over and done with.

drivers ed is coming along, although i am procrastinating. i do want to learn how to drive but i am not ready to actually take my road test. I need to practice some more and everyone who i would practice with as the idea that i'll be fucking perfect at it because my dad was like that. Guess what I am good at academics but I suck at driving....accept it as fucking facts okay AND we will all be happy in the long. I do not like that people are pushing me, it fucking sucks.

the summer is going pretty well although i need to send out my shit to SCSU and Brooklyn College again to transfer for the Spring Semester. Really should hop on that, shouldn't I?
Saw Transformers 2 & Harry Potter 6---- go see them!

Monday, July 6, 2009


i have come to accept something that has been following me for the past couple of years and it is something that is highly depressive; i am alone in the sense of friendship.
What is wrong with this sentence? I am a sweet, outgoing, loyal, funny, person who would do anything for their friend and would rather hang out at a small restaurant with good stories and good food than get piss drunk and forget the night. If you need me, I will be there as soon as possible. So why is that I cannot keep a friend, or the friendship fades, along with me in it?

I look at my facebook a lot and see everyone with updated photos of going out with friends and doing random crap. I see all their smiling faces, joyous expressions, cuddling with friends, boyfriends and girlfriends, i see posts on their wall discussing things gone by and "ohmygodimissandloveyou" or "rememberthattimeyoudidthatthingthatwecantdiscussandMAGICWORD" and poof instant replies. but when i try and ask people to get together, they are ignored or are brushed off and get responses like "maybe next time", "oh def, we should do something soon" or or the best one of all "i don't know". It hurts. it hurts really really bad.

i feel as if I am doing something wrong and no one will tell me. i understand that some people will be closer to others and i am totally cool with it. i just want to have at least one friend who wont mind when i am emotionally confused or emotionally drunk and all i really want is to have a non-sexual cuddle to make me feel better, i want someone to not make fun of me for like geeky things and being geeky at times. I want to know that if i tell some person my deep fears, regrets, secrets, hopes and dreams that i wont be made fun of and they wont be like "thats stupid" or just brush it off. Sometimes i cry myself to sleep to purge my emotions but it never works and makes me feel even worse.

for flying fuck sakes, my parents are starting to take a proactive interest in this by explaing to me that sometimes friends fade away for a reason and its normal. my family is pushing me into doing this and that, the are even pushing for me to go to the bars by myself and drink to meet people. I don't want that, i want the people i call friends to ask ME TO DO SHIT. i always ask to do something or make plans and it never works, always fall through.

i beg and plead and pray and ask on everything that is sacred, holy and precious that i am sent a good friend who wont abandon me or ridicule me or take me for granted. just let me have one non-sexual emotionally connection to a person. i need it. i dont want to be alone any more

Sunday, July 5, 2009

Happy Belated Fourth of July

July 3rd: Beach all day. Did not get sunburnt. Went to G's BBQ who made an amazing sticky chicken-kabobs. Drank and went home. Cousins arrived at 10:45pm from VA.

July 4th: Shannon and Sean visited with Sean's girlfriend Mary (she's cool), Sean is going to twenty-nine palms in California on the 10th, so I got a chance to say goodbye. (Shannon and their other brother T.J will be back next week to visit more relatives are coming in). Went to the horribly, horribly sunburnt- My neck, my chest, my lower chest, my upper right thigh, my ankles and feet are all red and painful. Alcohol dulled the throbbing pain, had fun partying with the relatives and watched fireworks.

July 5th: saw Star Trek (bootleg DVD from UES) and decided that if UFP & Starfleet really did exist I would apply to be a communications officer and have sexy time in space (of course I'd be on the Enterprise). Also I am starting to believe that Chris Pine and Zachary Quinto are having a massive relationship that prounces on what is defined as a "Bromance" in todays world.
They share clothes and a trainer and loads of other things. THERE WILL BE A SEQUEL!

I'm currently abusing soothe-a-caine at the moment and massive amounts of extra-strength Advil to dull the pain. And spraying my body with Bath and Body Work's Cucumber Melon body spray to not have the smell of the sooth-a-caine. I wish I had my cuddle partner.